Trying out this blogging thing…

Today I decided to start writing about my life. Well truth, i have been thinking about it for a while. At first it was going to be anonymous, but i feel thats just me still hiding behind my truth. Only acceptable if the person reading this doesn’t know who I am. But that was before; before when I was searching for acceptance. Not just from friends but from a partner, a husband. God that sounds weird to say, but as much as i denied it, i wanted to feel loved. I still want to feel loved, but that comes with the price of being vulnerable to who I am. And who am I am is not worth it. I have accepted that.

This year has been so fucked. And it is all my doing. It has changed the course of my life forever. I got married, marriage ended because I lied out of fear(no excuse- I lied). I got pregnant with twins and the day before i was scheduled to give birth, they found no heartbeat in my son. I lost my child, but did have one healthy baby boy. I attempted my own life, I went down a deep hole of isolation. In truth, I died this year. Well, a large part of me has. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know my purpose. I am a mother now and i feel that should fill that emptiness, but it just makes me want to take steps to figure it all out. I guess that what this is. Trying to find hope again. I hope that I can use this space as safe, so that i can get my truth down. And maybe find out who I am.

Taking it one day at a time…